Starting a new company with your co-founder is similar to getting married to your spouse. 

1. It’s critical to pick the right person 
2. Both partnerships are long-term (7-10 years for co-founders) 
3. There’s a high chance your partnership will fail… more on this below.

You might already know that roughly 50% of marriages end in divorce. But did you know that 65% of startups fail because of conflict amongst the leadership team? 

That’s 6 out of 10 startups going under not because they had a weak product, poor marketing, or no funding… it’s because they wanted to, at some point, rip their co-founders' heads off. 😡

Look, we get it. When you work closely with someone all day every day, there’s bound to be some friction. What’s most important is that all parties navigate conflict well and nurture the relationship. 

See, I told you the co-founder relationship sounds like a marriage.

Obviously, this is much easier said than done. So in this edition, we’re continuing our conversation with executive coach Ben Tauber. Ben has helped dozens of leadership teams navigate difficult conversations. Here’s advice on how to create a thriving relationship with your co-founder. 

Have healthy arguments

Imagine Ben and Eric have a company together and run into a new conflict. They need to talk it out. But when emotions are running high, or people have strong opposing opinions, that conversation could lead to a massive fight.

So… what’s the most productive way to navigate this chat?

There are different models from books like Radical Candor or Conscious Leadership. But in its simplest form, a typical script could look like this:

Step 1: Ask permission to have a conversation

Ben: “Hey Eric, I feel a disconnect with you. Because our relationship is really important, I’d like to talk to you about what’s on my mind. Do you have some time to chat?”

If Eric is free and in the right headspace to chat, then they can continue the conversation. If he’s busy or in a bad mood, schedule another time to have the conversation. Rescheduling is usually a good idea if someone feels emotionally charged and needs a day or two to calm down. 

Step 2: Separate facts from story

Ben says if you can take away one lesson from this entire piece, it’d be this: separate facts from the story. 

A fact is the truth. If a camera recorded the moment, what would it see? What would it hear? So a fact could be, “Eric, you were 7 minutes late to our meeting yesterday.” We can check the Zoom logs – there’s hard evidence that proves Eric arrived late.

On the other hand, a story is how we interpret the facts. If Eric consistently shows up late to their meetings, Ben can share the story that’s in his head. “The story that I’ve made up in my head is that you think our 1:1s are a waste of time.” But Ben doesn’t know if this thinking is true. 

This is Ben’s opportunity to share both the facts and the stories in his head. And once Ben has shared everything he needs to share, it’s time to listen to Eric’s response. 

Step 3: Mirror what you’ve heard with active listening

The best thing for Eric to do next is to first acknowledge Ben’s thoughts and feelings. 

“Hey Ben, what I heard you say was that I was 7 minutes late to the meeting yesterday. And you’ve made up the story that I don’t value you which makes you feel hurt and upset. Is that right?”

Notice how Eric isn’t defending himself, deflecting the issue, or reacting aggressively to Ben’s story. Eric is making sure he has fully listened to Ben’s side of the story. The best way to acknowledge what someone has said is to mirror what you’ve heard. 

Getting to this step is a huge win by itself because it allows both sides to feel compassion for each other. Plus this puts you both in a great position to talk through what’s next. 

Step 4: Take responsibility and agree on a solution

Once you’ve had the conversation, it’s time to find a solution. In this case, the request could be as simple as this.

“Hey Ben, I’m sorry that I’ve been consistently late to our meetings. From now on, I’d like to honor our agreement to be on time for future meetings.” 

Not all conflicts will have this easy of a fix. So spend time to figure out what would make sense for both parties to feel good about moving forward.

There are other models to resolve tension with your co-founder. But the core principles are the same: ask for permission, have hard conversations, listen fully, and agree on a solution.

How to nurture your co-founder relationship

Beyond navigating conflict, Ben has two big rules for co-founders to help them maintain a healthy relationship.

Rule #1: No surprises

Founders tend to bottle things up inside rather than share what’s really going on. Ben thinks this leads to a lost opportunity for growth. 

It’s rare and special to achieve this startup dream with someone else. Co-founders have this special opportunity to support each other both personally and professionally. It makes sense to create a safe container to give honest feedback on where you both can grow as leaders and humans. 

Rule #2: Meet regularly

At the early stage, co-founders are glued at the hip working all the time. But Ben questions if they are taking time to actually connect as humans, outside of work. 

This means doing “non-work” things like grabbing beers together. Or going on an early morning hike. Or going on a kite surfing adventure. Finding time to connect 1:1 every week is crucial to the long-term health of the relationship. And if you’ve chosen the right co-founder, spending quality time together will always be fun.